i need for everyone to pause for a moment and say a prayer
cos i need all i can havev.
the father got a heart attack and is in hospital now
will have to undergo a bypass
so i implore you all to please pray for him.

thank you
appreciated.

where i spent my last four days killing my feet
but well nice experience
relatively good fun

am currently living in a pigsty
my things are all over the place.
i swear i think my room reeks.
gahh.
i really need to do something about it.

its been one hell of a crazy week
i've cried
got pissed as hell
went ape shit bad
suffered from a severe hangover
wanted to die
still kinda wanna die
met huge ginormous amounts of people working at aquarama
some nice some not
got crazy aching feet
and am basically just down right tired and drained
emotionally
physically
everything.

its time to pull the plug
i wanna curl up and die.

i floored the accelerator on my way home
and i just had this urge
to ram the car real hard against some divider or pillar or whatever
to hear the loud bang and the impact of the crash
and flung and thrown back into my seat
or out of the window for all i care
land head first in some ditch.

i almost took the drive down devils bend
but decided against it
since i figured that the urge to just oversteer
and have the car go off road was too strong.
i figured that my dad couldnt deal with the burden of the loss of the car or paying higher insurance premiums
see i am a considerate daughter

the mother found out and strangely the huge uproar i was expecting didnt come.
she was angry yes
but no yelling match no cold war
we went shopping
okay well at least i in an attempt to appease the mother put myself through the torture of accompanying her and her sisters on a shopping trip
fortunately it seemed to work
*fingers crossed

too many days spent roaming the streets of town
my poor feet

shopping makes me happy.
receiving gifts makes me even happier.
thank you girls.
i dont think you all know it yet but i really really love my uber early birthday present.
*laughs.
its pretty and nice.

hit the streets of town with lijie today.
what was supposed to be a harmless, painless day out on the pockets to thread our eye brows
(that fucking hurt like hell though...gahh the price of beauty)
turned into one huge insane shopping spree.

quite sad though cos everything i wanted was either out of stock or didnt come in my size
but yet i managed to help the girlfriend find two gorgeous buys.
feeling so supper aunty shopping among the rest of the aunties in robinsons
and i also managed to get my aunty down cos we wanted the additional 20% off.
like how even more aunty is that!
and seriously i think our "acceptable" price range is scarily climbing up the scale a little too fast for our pockets to keep up considering we are two jobless students.

the silence was shattered, literally by the shards of glass falling to the ground in disarray.
the ferocity with which the cup hit the wall reflected all the rage and tension that hung in the air.
we both stood rooted to the ground
unblinking unflinching
i felt strangely callm
a tinge of fear
but really it was this cold rage coursing through my veins.
on hindsight, it was not your outburst that frightened me but my own.
i was amazed at how much contempt and hate i could hold for someone i loved so much.

you turned around and slammed the door resoundedly shut
as the sound ecohed throughout the house
my eyes stayed fixed on the closed door
momentarily before once again it was obligatory to chase after you.
it wasnt the need to appease.
i was already far beyond caring.
i simply needed to know why.

i have words
but they are all choked up in this well inside of me and seem unwilling to come forth.
i dont really know what to make of myself or where everything is headed.
it feels more like aimless swimming around in this large pool that pretty much leads to no where.

and know what?
right here right now i really dont understand you at all
am begining to think that i dont even know you anymore.

hey dear..
really sorry for missing your party i sincerely hope you had a lovely time.
best wishes and much love.
happy 21st (:

every day in the late afternoon, she sets about meticulously preparing the evening meal. her long wavy hair she pins up in a neat tight bun and tying the bows of the apron around her waist she begins her task with her religious fervour. Each action precise and purposeful, each cut sharp and swift as she brings the knife down on the chopping board. the soft crunching sound of stems or the severing of bones. fresh aromas rise up and swirl around her but she is oblivious to the smells her brows knitted in concentration as there can be no room for error.
gingerly she places the silverware and china atop the table. fork knife/ spoon, chopstick perfectly aligned atop the embroidered table cloth. spotless and gleaming she could almost catch her reflection in them. but appearences would have to wait. time is of the essence and he would be home soon.
the air is almost exploding with the strong scents as she lifts the delicately arranged dishes and sets them on the table, embracing the centerpiece of fresh geberas she got from the florist earlier. momentarily she allows herself to stop and admire the feast infront of her but the longer hand on the face of the clock shifts and once again it is time to move on.
whisking the apron from herself, she removes the pin and her dark hair cascades down framing her face. the clock chimes, it is time. she gathers herself and sits at the table waiting expectantly for the man she loves.
time crawls by slowly, darkness decends. the hot meal gone cold and the delicious fragrances had long since disappeared. but still she sits and she waits. her fingers trembling, tears brimming in her eyes.

i can say hail marys until i turn into mary...but i still miss you.
not the sex...it was not tragic...but i'll live without it.
but i wont make it if you cant be my friend...if we cant
izzy stevens, grey's anatony

sometimes when i look back on how long i have been wading and dragging my feet around in this same puddle of mud i get immensely amazed at my own stupidity and at how far i have let myself get led on, chained and shackled and trudging along each painful step of the way.

unfortunately though i still seem intent on ploughing along
like that bull being tied to the cart dragging all that weight along with it
pacing up and down the rice fields never really going anywhere
you can only get better at dealing with the pain
it never gets easier.

you make it hard to be there
but even harder not too
am starting to think you might be schizo

if not for the both of you
i would have never made it here
it hasnt been easy being my parents
so i appreciate it.
stay loving

am i really fixing what you have broken?
or have i just simply lost all value and appreciation for myself.

i dont know what to make out of everything
i dont know where to go from here.

aim for the weekend:
make it through without any hitches hickups or quarrels.

note to self:
expect nothing
expectations can only lead to dissapointment

another note to self:
bastards are not needed in life
you have others way more worth your time.

was pushed to the door with it wide open
but yet i could not take the step to walk away
to turn away from it all
despite all the hurting
despite all the pain
despite all the tears
i couldnt leave.
what does that make me?

i am sorry i lied.
it was a stupid thing to do.

on a much lighter and brighter note
someone makes me laugh
but its another one of those things that is just meant to head straight down the hill.
however
i think i am just addicted to the high.
but right now i really do want it to work
the night air
fast cars
screaming engines screeching tyres
and the laughter.